Wednesday, January 02, 2008

वाल मार्ट

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.

8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone,"I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

24. Nonchalantly test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell hello upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

40. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

42. Set up a Valet Parking sign in front of the store.

43. Two words: "Marco Polo."

44. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.

45. Re-alphabetize the CD's in Electronics.

47. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like the fat man walks alone, and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

48. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.

49. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

51. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

52. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good Bessie."

53. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

54. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.

55. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

56. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

57. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.

59. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

60. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

61. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

62. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

63. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

64. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

65. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

66. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

67. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a test drive.

68. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

70. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.

71. Play a game of indoor freeze tag

72. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window the British are coming

73. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes

74. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices

75. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane

76. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X
77. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saying "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"

78. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight

79. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.

81. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section

82. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.

86. Go to the gun section, saying "Can I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smiley face!"

87. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use white-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.

88. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught

90. Repeatedly say "The clowns are not eating me."

91. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.

92. Rearrange items as you see fit.

93. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.

97. Grab stickers that say radioactive and put them randomly on food items.

98. Follow someone until they notice

100. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.

[+/-] Read More...

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

मेस्सिं विथ थे पिज्ज़ा मन

Translation: "Messin with the pizza man"

How to annoy the Pizza Guy...


Add extra letters to words, ex: pizza becomes pizzzzzzzaaaaaaa

Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

Answer their questions with questions.

Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

Ask for chips/fries with everything!

Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

Ask if you they can put food color in the cheese.

Ask the man/woman if they can sculpt the pizza into your favorite celebrity.

Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.

Ask what the order taker is wearing.

Be vague in your order.

Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

Change your accent every three seconds.

Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."

Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"

Eliminate verbs from your speech.

Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up

Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

Imitate the order taker's voice.

Laugh every minute or two, mention the cat in the microwave!

Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it

Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

Make up a credit-card name. Ask if they accept it.

Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.

Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."

Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

Order term life insurance.

Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

Order using lines from different movies

Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

Order your pizza, singing in falseto!

Pass the phone around to everyone in the house -- have each person change the order a little.

Pretend that you were trying to call 911 when they tell you you have the wrong # say oh well start to order... In the middle of your order stop and start to panic and yell “IT’S ABOUT TO BLOW” and hang up.

Pretend your flying a jet fighter in the Gulf War while ordering.

Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

Put them on hold.

Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

Rent a pizza.

Repeat every third third word twice

Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

Say your order as fast as humanly possible.

Say, "Kssssssssssssssh" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

Spill out your life story and ask them to they understand, if they say yes, Scream "liars, I don't believe you!" and hang up!

Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"

State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

Stutter on the letter "p."

Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

Try to talk while drinking something.

When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"

When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"

When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs

I thought it was hillarious.

Thanks to Danya for postin this.

[+/-] Read More...

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

राईस यौर हंड्स इफ यू लोवे हिंदी!

The title says, "Raise your hands if you love hindi!"
I'm too busy these days.
It's really hard to post once you've gone for a long time without doing so. I can understand this now.
So maybe later, friends.
zach

[+/-] Read More...

Friday, September 07, 2007

ग्रेट अनोठेर हीनी सो अड़ा सुत्पिद वेइर्द ऎंड व्रोंग

Great, another Hindi title...

I think the best part about Doritoes is the licking of the fingers at the end. All that spicy, orange, greasy, scrumptious goo that builds up on your fingers blissfully dissolving off your digits onto your waiting taste buds. Ahhh, life is good. I pity those people who are too polite to suck on their fingers. They stand there, washing happiness down the drain, or wiping bliss off on their napkin. It’s a tragedy.

Luke’s over here trying to convince me that bliss is a cuss word. Wonder where he heard that…

So, that’s just what’s on mind right now.

I think I posted on Wednesday, right?

Thursday, it would seem as if I did something of note. Maybe I’ll think of it later. Oh yeah, I went to work with dad, AGAIN, so I could get my passport in the mail.

Friday, co op. Molly had a camera out when we were all outside goofing around, and I was very keyed-up, so that’s a trip to watch. Especially when you put in slo mo and I sound very … um… slow. We need to put it on YouTube.

Also Friday, spending the night with Sam and Jonah at Sam’s house, after going to see Pirates 3 again. It made more sense this time. And we did a bunch of other random stuff that’s not coming to mind, but I’m sure there was some.

I do remember that I almost killed myself with Molly’s eyelash curler. That is a deadly contraption. Yeah, let’s make a metal object to pinch our eyelids off with. Good idea. We’ll sell them to teenage girls. We’ll make a fortune. That’s what they were thinking.

Saturday was a busy one. First, bookstores. I bought Anberlin’s new CD, which is great, and Pillar’s newish CD, which is good, but not as good as I wanted it to be.

If Candace doesn’t have it, I think I might give it to her as a wedding present…

And a very fun wedding. It was my best friend from back in the day when I was 5 and my dad was youth pastor at Temple Baptist. He’s about 10 years older than me. But yeah, Dad did the ceremony, and all that. They had these awesome chocolates at each table. I ate a lot of those. Quite nice.

While we were walking from our car to the Gillioz Theatre, where the reception was, I noticed the Skinny Improv theatre. I had an epiphany. I would go to The Skinny Improv that night, spend the night with old friends Connie and Alesha. Connie was my dad’s secretary at Temple and Alesha is her 20 something daughter.I went to church with them, and then meet the parents at Incredible Pizza Sunday.

And it worked. Like clockwork.

So, yeah, the Skinny Improv again. They’re SO cool.
Good times, hanging out with Connie, who I’ve known since I was 9 months old, and her daughter Alesha, 21. When I was five, I told my mom that when I grew up, I wanted to be Alesha’s dad. We used to be pretty tight. I hadn’t seen her in 4 or 5 years, and they live right there in Spfd. That’s pathetic.

But we made up for it.

Sunday,after having my bangs straightened by Alesha (Any of you girls have a starightener you wanna give me?), I went to church with them, where I used to go when I was little, so all these people remember me, and I mostly remember their faces, but am 100% blank on their names. That’s always interesting.

I just love talking to people who know you really well, and you have no idea who they are. Kinda awkward, but I’m getting increasingly better at it.

After church, I went to Incredible Pizza with the whole Caddy fam, all (hold on, I’m doing the math) 17 of us. Many thanks to the lovely Natalee who spent money on me, killing dinosaurs with me, walking and talking with me, and taking me on the expensive flight simulator. Love ya.

That night we started a great movie, The Count of Monte Christo. Despite having to skip some stuff, there are some AMAZING lines in that movie.
Such as the good guy, who has a French name I can’t remember: “I don’t believe in God anymore”
Old, dying, prison mate, who has a French name that sounds like sais voiu pwaiou or something Frenchy: “It doesn’t matter, He believes in you.”

Among others.

While the action was good, it wasn’t what carried the movie, it was the stellar plot. A carefully crafted web of deception, treachery, and intrigue, if you wanna get professional on me.

On Labor Day, we worked. Hence the name Labor Day. And finished the movie.

Friday: up till 1
Saturday: up till 1
Sunday: up till 10 30
Monday: up till 11 30
Tuesday: up till 10ish

I need to catch up on sleep.

Molly is needing help writing a comedy script for a movie to keep us busy in, so if you have any good ideas, she’s open to anything. I think. Call her up.
Or maybe we should do everything improv. Improv is good.

Whatever.

I’ve noticed that the skin on my upper leg is almost the exact same color as Hiland 2 percent milk. Isn’t that weird?

Well, right now I’m writing this on the very cool laptop as I ride home from church in our stylish (ha) 1988 Camry. Rolling in style.

I missed my guitar lesson today. I thought for sure it was at 3 30. It wasn’t. More like 3. Muffin. But I did fall in love with one of the amps they had. But it cost money. And, as I’ve mentioned before, I have no moneys. B/c my employers are not having me work. Not good.

Y’know, I can’t believe you’re reading this… It’s so weird that anyone gives a muffin about anything I write. It’s quite flattering. Thank you for reading. I mean that from the heart of my bottom. No, I mean the bottom of my heart. Whatever.

I wrote all that on Wednesday, but didn't get to post it till today. That seems to happen a lot.
Be God’s,
Zach

[+/-] Read More...

Thursday, September 06, 2007

नो मोरे हिंदी नो मोरे हिंदी

Great, another Hindi title
I think the best part about Doritoes is the licking of the fingers at the end. All that spicy, orange, greasy, scrumptious goo that builds up on your fingers blissfully dissolving off your digits onto your waiting taste buds. Ahhh, life is good. I pity those people who are too polite to suck on their fingers. They stand there, washing happiness down the drain, or wiping bliss off on their napkin. It’s a tragedy.

Luke’s over here trying to convince me that bliss is a cuss word. Wonder where he heard that…

So, that’s just what’s on mind right now.

I think I posted on Wednesday, right?

Thursday, it would seem as if I did something of note. Maybe I’ll think of it later.

Oh yeah, I went to work with dad, AGAIN, so I could get my passport in the mail.

Friday, co op. Molly had a camera out when we were all outside goofing around, and I was very keyed-up, so that’s a trip to watch. Especially when you put in slo mo and I sound very … um… slow. We need to put it on YouTube.

Also Friday, spending the night with Sam and Jonah at Sam’s house, after going to see Pirates 3 again. It made more sense this time. And we did a bunch of other random stuff that’s not coming to mind, but I’m sure there was some.

I do remember that I almost killed myself with Molly’s eyelash curler. That is a deadly contraption. Yeah, let’s make a metal object to pinch our eyelids off with. Good idea. We’ll sell them to teenage girls. We’ll make a fortune. That’s what they were thinking.

Saturday was a busy one. First, bookstores. I bought Anberlin’s new CD, which is great, and Pillar’s newish CD, which is good, but not as good as I wanted it to be.

If Candace doesn’t have it, I think I might give it to her as a wedding present…

And a very fun wedding. It was my best friend from back in the day when I was 5 and my dad was youth pastor at Temple Baptist. He’s about 10 years older than me. But yeah, Dad did the ceremony, and all that. They had these awesome chocolates at each table. I ate a lot of those. Quite nice.

While we were walking from our car to the Gillioz Theatre, where the reception was, I noticed the Skinny Improv theatre. I had an epiphany. I would go to The Skinny Improv that night, spend the night with old friends Connie and Alesha. Connie was my dad’s secretary at Temple and Alesha is her 20 something daughter. I went to church with them, and then meet the parents at Incredible Pizza Sunday.

And it worked. Like clockwork.

So, yeah, the Skinny Improv again. They’re SO cool.

Good times, hanging out with Connie, who I’ve known since I was 9 months old, and her daughter Alesha, 21. When I was five, I told my mom that when I grew up, I wanted to be Alesha’s dad. We used to be pretty tight. I hadn’t seen her in 4 or 5 years, and they live right there in Spfd. That’s pathetic.

But we made up for it.

Sunday,after having my bangs straightened by Alesha (Any of you girls have a starightener you wanna give me?), I went to church with them, where I used to go when I was little, so all these people remember me, and I mostly remember their faces, but am 100% blank on their names. That’s always interesting.

I just love talking to people who know you really well, and you have no idea who they are. Kinda awkward, but I’m getting increasingly better at it.

After church, I went to Incredible Pizza with the whole Caddy fam, all (hold on, I’m doing the math) 17 of us. Many thanks to the lovely Natalee who spent money on me, killing dinosaurs with me, walking and talking with me, and taking me on the expensive flight simulator. Love ya.

That night we started a great movie, The Count of Monte Christo. Despite having to skip some stuff, there are some AMAZING lines in that movie. Such as

The good guy, who has a French name I can’t remember: “I don’t believe in God anymore”

Old, dying, prison mate, who has a French name that sounds like sais voiu pwaiou or something Frenchy: “It doesn’t matter, He believes in you.”

Among others.

While the action was good, it wasn’t what carried the movie, it was the stellar plot. A carefully crafted web of deception, treachery, and intrigue, if you wanna get professional on me.

On Labor Day, we worked. Hence the name Labor Day. And finished the movie.
Friday: up till 1
Saturday: up till 1
Sunday: up till 10 30
Monday: up till 11 30
Tuesday: up till 10ish

I need to catch up on sleep.

Molly is needing help writing a comedy script for a movie to keep us busy in, so if you have any good ideas, she’s open to anything. I think. Call her up.
Or maybe we should do everything improv. Improv is good.

Whatever.

I’ve noticed that the skin on my upper leg is almost the exact same color as Hiland 2 percent milk. Isn’t that weird?

Well, right now I’m writing this on the very cool laptop as I ride home from church in our stylish (ha) 1988 Camry. Rolling in style.

I missed my guitar lesson today. I thought for sure it was at 3 30. It wasn’t. More like 3. Muffin. But I did fall in love with one of the amps they had. But it cost money. And, as I’ve mentioned before, I have no moneys. B/c my employers are not having me work. Not good.

Y’know, I can’t believe you’re reading this… It’s so weird that anyone gives a muffin about anything I write. It’s quite flattering. Thank you for reading. I mean that from the heart of my bottom. No, I mean the bottom of my heart. Whatever.

Be God’s,
Zach

[+/-] Read More...

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

यौर फस वहत थे हेक इत's पोटिंग इन हिंदी?

Hey,

Wassup?

I have no idea why the title is in a foreign language. Gotta love technology...

I would guess I haven’t posted since last Monday.

So…

I found out when I got home from SBU Monday that I’d picked a bummer of a day to miss being at home. It rained 12 inches, about ¼ of our annual rain fall, in less than 24 hours. Which, as I now know from video and pics, did some muffin amazing stuff. Which I missed. That made me sad.

Tuesday, fun day at the lake. The rains had washed in some massive logs to mess around with. When you’re at the lake with nothing at all on the agenda, a log is a great way to pass the time. Really.

Took this picture:



That started a lovely inside joke I can’t seem to live down…

And probably never will. When you get my mom, Phaedra, Sarah, and Molly, all women who love to hate me, in a friendly way, it’s nonstop MakeZachLookLikeAMoronB/cIt’sFun.

Wednesday, my mom got older. She’s not one to care about people knowing her age, so I could post it, but I don’t remember anyhoo.

Thursday, don’t remember.

Friday, first day of co-op. Am I writing that right? Should it be co-op, co op, or coop? You prolly don’t give a muffin.

Sam staying the night so he could avoid staying at his house with Molly, Katie, and Emily. That’d been rough. So Sam came over, and we babysat. Aka, watched Barnyard with L and O. Which is really funny in its funny parts and really boring in its boring parts.

Mom had spaghetti made up for us. I wanted some bacon. So I made some. B/c I was in charge. It was really good.

The best part: good ol Sam takes a drink of milk. The movie goes funny all the sudden. Sam spurts milk EVERY-MUFFIN-WHERE. Luke, the chair, the floor, the end table… Yeah. I think he apologized about 87 and a half times. It was awesome.

I love watching movies when no one is annoyed when you wanna go back and see a part again. We watched one scene about 5 times.

Meanwhile, at the Bueskings, they’re watching The Sixth Sense, which is the scariest move I’ve ever seen. I called periodically to see how scared they were getting. I must be a major wimp when it comes to getting scared, b/c they were not freaking out like I had been.

Oh well. I guess that makes scary movies more enjoyable for me.

Saturday, party next door.

And we had tacos, which, although they’re good, are pretty much the awkwardest thing to eat while sitting around talking. You ever tried it? Your trying to eat the taco with one hand, catch anything you might drop with the plate in the other hand, and trying to talk, and listen, all at the same time. And then some huge piece of shell and lettuce is hanging out of your mouth, and you’re just like, “Give me a break.” Except it comes out, “mrrph ,mprhthg prhn” because you have all that junk hanging off your face.

I don’t think I’m coordinated enough for that, friends.

And Kezzi turned 17, so happy birthday, kid.

I was talking with newfound friend Rachel Wilson yesterday, and we were wondering what color a Smurf would turn if you chocked it… They’re already blue. I just think it’s one of those things we won’t know this side of heaven.

Sunday, the bestest barbeque ever. And this was a REAL barbeque. We brought in a 3/8” thick steel smoker that had its own trailer. Now that’s a smoker. And the beef was amazing. The pork was stellar. And the chicken was sooooo tender. And then there was the incredible homemade Raspberry Chipotle sauce. Try to figure that word out: Raspberry. It's got laryngitis or something. Rasp...

It was my kind of party too. Just sit around and talk with cool people.

And I had Andy throw me cantaloupes while I chopped em in half with my sword, which I hadn’t used yet. We got video of that.

Good times.

Monday, I finally got my driver’s permit. But I can’t drive b/c I don’t have insurance yet… So all carded up and nothing to do. And my pictures pretty good too.

Not so for the passport picture. Blech.

Why do I need a passport you ask? B/c I’m going to Russia! Yeah, I’m going to Moscow this December with the dad and Kelly for a conference on Church Planting in a Postmodern World. So ROCK!

And then I’m going to El Salvador with the dad and a team of students and Sarah O over spring break!

Which is awesome.

What’s not awesome is if I want my passport in time it’s gonna be about over $200 if I wanna get it in time… And I have no moneys.

Hire me.

I wrote all that on Tuesday, but didn’t get around to posting it.

So, now it’s Wednesday, and I just got done laughing my face off at The Skinny Improv, here at SBU. They are SO funny, it’s not even funny. Except it is. Really funny. As the name implies it’s ALL improve. Very amazing. And have I mentioned funny?

And at 3, I have my first guitar lesson of the semester.

Be God’s,
zach

[+/-] Read More...

Monday, August 20, 2007

Muffin

Muffin. What a lovely word.

Saturday: not much. Just getting ready for school to start. Binding books in the book-binder thingie. What a lovely machine.

Sunday: Church. Almost all college students. Everybody’s back for school. Not really everybody though. Too many people graduated last year. At church we’re gonna be doing a Worldview course called “Thinking Like A Christian” for the next 13 weeks. It’s gonna be pretty sweet, and everybody’s pretty excited about it.

During lunch, it started to rain. For the first time since July 1. Yeah. It’s been looking very dry around our place. But since then it’s rained 12 inches in Walnut Grove, which is about 10 miles from our lovely abode. I don’t know how much we got tho. Prolly a lot. Like A LOT, a lot.

After eatage, me and Cory and Thomas and Joel and Joel went to Caplinger Mills. Which is really cool. There used to be a mill there (hence the name) and we climbed up inside it. Very cool. And they dammed up the Sac River there, and so it’s deep and there’s the bestest rope swing I’ve ever been on right there. It was pretty intense. Very fast. Quite thrilling. Once I forgot to let go of the rope and almost the hit this massive tree.

I almost died.

It made everybody laugh. Always a plus. And once, I went way up on the tree, grabbed low on the rope, leaned out too far, and pushed off. Which made me spin. And kinda freak. And scream. Yeah. I ended up landing smack on my back. It hurt, but made everybody laugh. Still a plus.

Good times

This post is not random enough for me.

Tuna!

Ok, that’s better.

But not good enough.

And today I’m at SBU, on the first day of school. And I was gonna take my driver’s test today. It was a muffin.

First, I go to the License office. I remember that it’s $3.50. I have no moolah. My dad has no moolah. So he goes to get some.

After waiting for him to get back, I go up there, and the lady (who was not an ugly, old, cranky tank like most women who work for the state are) was like, “I need your birth certificate, social security card and your test papers.”
Pause.
Blank stare from me.
”I dunno what that is.”
“Oh, you haven’t taken your test yet?”
“That’s what I came here to do.”
“Oh, you have to go to Dept of Family Services for that, and then come back here.”
“Oh. Ok.”

Earlier in the day the car had been making funny noises and giving massages to our lower extremities, and it kept getting worse. I look back at my rear tire… It’s about to fall off. Wobbling around like crazy. So we take it real slow in the left turn all the way to DFS. By the time we get there, it’s too late for me to take my muffin test. Muffin.

It would seem as if God does not want to me to drive anytime soon. Perhaps that’s in the best interest of the masses. So, I’ll have to wait until next Monday, or just give up and take it in Spfd.

How convenient.

So that’s my status quo.

Be God's,
zach

[+/-] Read More...

Friday, August 17, 2007

Let's see how long I can make this title. I guess there has to be a limit... Doesn't there? B/c if there wasn't, I could just post in the title box, a

Ok,
Now I know how long the title can be. I'd been lying awake at night wondering. I was thinking it'd be longer.

I do seem to have a muffin of a time getting a lovely intro for these things. And now I’ll just say what I always say, Well, I guess I should just start writing.

Saturday: I just remember a quote that my dad said: “Nothing like sitting around, smoking a pretzel, and playing cards.” Our family is now a bunch of pretzel-smoking foos. That’s Mr. T for fool, by the way. If you don’t know what I’m talking about (smoking pretzels) then just ask. There’s no shame in that.

Sunday: Nothing’s jumping out at me. I’d bet church. Prolly a safe bet.

Monday: I was gonna take my driver’s test, but dad didn’t go to work. So I’ll have to wait a little longer. I’ll prolly be 16 before it actually works out.

Tuesday: Canoeing! We went with Sarah O and the Goodwyn’s (there were supposed to be some college kids coming, but they all backed up, dang it) on the Niangua River, which is a very cold spring fed river which felt awesome since it’s been so dang hot. It’s a very calm and uneventful river. Not a lot of hard stuff to navigate. Very lazy. It was 101 that day, but down on the water it was not too bad at all. Good times.

We rescued a cat. A very skinny friendly stray we found on the river bank. Dad, who’s usually the hold up when we’re wanting to take in animals, ok’d her. He says it’s because it was a rescue, not just taking her off someone’s hands. All she’s done is eat since we’ve had her. And sleep. And crap on my backpack. And pee in my closet. She hasn’t messed with anybody else’s stuff or space. No, just mine. I guess I’m special. Or maybe she doesn’t like me.

Wednesday, I babysat, which meant watching the munchkins watch movies. Including the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I’d forgotten how funny Johnny Depp is in that movie. And kinda creepy.

Mike Teavee: “Who wants a beard?”

Willy Wonka: “Beatniks for one. Folk singers and motorbike riders. Y’know, all those hip, jazzy, super cool, neat, keen, and groovy cats. Getcha in the fridge, daddy-O. Are you hip to the jive? Can you dig what I’m laying down? I know that you could, so slip me some skin, soul brother.”

That made me laugh, so I wrote it down. And the way he says it... Crackaz me up.

That and, “They’re gonna squeeze her. Like a little pimple”

And some more, but you’ve prolly had enough of Willy Wonka.

At church, Garrett informed me that he and I had been invited to go on tour with a British screamo/metal band. Yeah. Before we went to see Kutless, we’d recorded (in my opinion) a fairly unpolished cover of Five For Fighting’s “Superman,” with him on piano, and me on guitar and singing, and put it on the internet… Good idea? Maybe.

But anyways, this band, The Enigma Code, who I don’t think are Christian sent us this long email about how they wanted us to do 7-9 dates with us in America, and then the next time we could go around The British Isles. “Plus it’d be a great way for you guys to see the Europe.” Or something like that. We barely had the heart to tell them that we’re 15… Before we found out that they were death metal, we were gonna try to talk our parents into driving us around the country. Not.

But it’s still a pretty nice ego boost. We are wanted. Maybe just so the Screamo Brits can make fun of us, but we are wanted.

Church that night was really good too.

Yesterday was Luke’s birfday. Yet another word that’s fun to say like a little kid. Birfday. Sarah O came over and we played cards. More specifically, Nertz, the best game ever. But didn’t smoke any pretzels. She doesn’t have a job right now, so she hangs out with us a lot. Because she can. That work really cuts into your day, y’know.

Recently, Garrett introduced me to the greatest substitute word ever, which I’ve already used several times in this post: Muffin. You’re prolly thinking, “What the muffin, that’s muffin’ cool.”
See what I mean? It works for everything. Just play with it for a while. Very entertaining.

It’s not nearly as clunky as my former fave, Beorn Svenson From Ohio. Muffin just rolls off the tongue smoother.

We need to patent that. I have another fave, Crudmunkeez, but I don’t use it much when I’m writing. Can you patent words? I guess I could call it a trademark.

Here’s the email The Enigma Code sent us:
“Hi Hello Edwards
Howz it going, my name is Mike I'm from Indie Go Records and a band called Enigma Code, from England, We have an album out called Between the Lines, here's what I'm looking to do. I'm looking to play a short tour in America Enigma Code plus your band, say between 7 to 9 dates that kind of thing next year. The style of my band is Hard rock power pop is the best way of describing it, its the nearest description. I could help arrange the shows, help with the publicity along with yourselves if you want to chip in, if you could help with the transport.
Also at the moment my band exists on foreign tours only, and I look for line ups in the country I'm playing, would you know anybody who would want to play in Enigma Code for the tour (guitar bass drums,) there is a possibility I might be able to bring a bassist or guitarist with me, but ideally I'd like Americans in the line up. It makes it more cost effective too less airfares and its more fun, I get to work with people I wouldnt normally work with and hook together an exciting project, there again if the band came back to play USA again they would be invited to do it again the same people, I may even record new material over there at some point. Anyway main thing is getting together a tour for both of our bands, I will primarily get the shows I may ask for a little bit of help from time to time but I'll get them. Does this sound like something that would interest you, is this doable, hope so, if so love to hear from you. Also there would be an opportunity for you guys to come to Europe and do shows over this way, I could help you with that, and we could hook our bands together over this way as well for tours sound interesting? If you cant help with the band member thing, maybe you could recommend a good free site with musicians available on it, we could do it ourselves or you could help us with that. either way if your up for it dont worry about that, we'll work something out. very interested to hook up.
Cheers
Mike”

“Hard rock power pop,” my muffin. He's really articulate too, eh?
Be God’s
Zach

[+/-] Read More...

Friday, August 10, 2007

How's this for granting wishes? CANDACE is now a post title!

Now comes the brain racking to try to remember what’s happened.

Some day b/t Tuesday and today I had an accident. No, not like I wet my pants. Not like I wrecked a car. No, it was a salsa accident.

So, there I am, preparing some salsa and chips for lunch. I read the top of the bottle, “SHAKE WELL.” I read, therefore I shake. Unfortunately, the lid wasn’t screwed on. Which screwed things up a little. Salsa everywhere. I decided to laugh at myself. I was the only one. Olivia; “Zachary, why are you lauging? You just made a big mess.“ And I told her, “Because life is a lot more fun if you can learn to laugh at yourself” It’s very true. I have a lot of oppurtunities to laugh at myself too, let me tell you.

And… Here’s the brain racking…

I remember something.

One of those days I watched The Village. Which was good, but not in the way I was expecting. I was expecting super scary, and while it was a little scary (those we don’t speak of and all) it was really emotional. And had some really good lines. And clean.

I don’t remember Wenzday at all. Except that I’m now refusing to spell that the normal way, b/c it’s dumb that way.

It’s as if it never happened.

Oh wait, I think we started watching Luther that night. It’s about Martin Luther. And it’s very good so far. Very good. Check it out. I seem to tell you that a lot… If you checked out everything I told you to check out, you’d have your hands full.

Thursday, I went to the lake. And from their went camping on Stockton. Not on it exactly, but you know what I mean. So yeah, me, dad, and Luke went camping. Good times. But I missed the air conditioning. I’m in love with air conditioning, even though it is kinda a hard word to type. I need a t shirt that says that…
It was so bloody hot in that tent. Oh. My. Gosh. It was hot. We had to sleep in the tent b/c of mosquitoes.

The food was awesome though. We probably ate 4 pounds of meat in one sitting. That’s a beautiful thing.

We kayaked a lot.

A lot.

We had a two man and a one man. And my shoulder muscles are really sore, b/c I don’t kayak much, and those blasted muscles are very out of shape. Very.

Brain racking music here. How about the Jeopardy theme...

Oh yeah, DUH! I picked up my new guitar! And it ROCKS! And good looking too. It’s perfect. Sounds good, looks good. What more can you want. At least from a guitar. I’ve been saving for that thing for FOREVER, and it’s SO good to finally have it. My fingers are sore, even though I’m calloused, from playing so much. Man. It’s good. Do you think I should name her?

Cue brain racking music...

Oh yeah, and I just remembered that one of those days, I got bit by a horse fly the size of California. It scared me. Not the bite so much as that ginormous horse on me. So I screamed, (yes, I admit it) and ran for the house. Tragically, I ran too fast. And one of my flippin flops (thank you, Kezzi for the flippin flops thing, I love that) broke! And I thought this was gonna be the year where I only had to buy one pair of flippin flops. Sadly, it shall not be so.

Ok, I’m think I’m done. Unless any more “oh yeah” moments happen, I’m good. I’ll just sit here and wait, just in case.

Oh yeah, when we were coming from the swimming area back to the camp grounds, one of the kayaks fell out of the back of the truck.
Me: “Dad, do you think we should tie em up back there”
Dad: “Nah, we’re just going a couple miles”
Five minutes later:
Dad: “Where’d the other kayak go?”
So we back tracked. We had lost her at the first turn… She looked so lonely just sitting there in all her yellowness on the hot asphalt… A classic dad moment.

Hey, we're going canoeing on the 14th of this month. Call me if you wanna come.
Be God’s
zach

[+/-] Read More...

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

How's this for recogniton? GARRETT ROCKETH!

So… … How to start this… I seem to ask myself that a lot. I usually always sometimes end up just starting.

Saturday, I sweated. But not as much as Luke and Olivia, who each ran a triathlon. They did good.

And then, in my sweaty, stinky state I went to the mall. You need to go to the mall. Killer sales. I bought a zoot suit. At least that’s what my dad calls it. I don’t know why. It’s a blue pinstripe blazer. It fits me a lot better than my old one. I couldn’t move my arms or shoulders in the other one without choking. Yeah. Much improved.

And I got a bunch of other stuff. Check it out. Not my stuff, the mall.

Sunday, Church. Olivia’s birthday. Watching Tim Hawkins. Who is pretty much the funniest, cleanest, Christian comedian. And he’s still cool. Check him out. You need to. Really.

Monday, geez I can’t remember. I don’t think I did anything. Is today Tuesday or Wednesday? Lemme check. Ok, it’s Tuesday, not Wezday. Which would make Monday yesterday. I was gonna take my driver’s test, but instead I had to stay home and babysit. And I watched Independence Day. But not while babysitting.

Recently mom broke the news to me that if I'm gonna drive I’m gonna hafta start paying some of the insurance… Which is gonna go up b/c of my driving. And I’m a guy, so it’s even more. I can see why. I don’t know many chicks who are real reckless… And I do know a lot of guys like that. Of course, there are those very blonde female drivers…

I know some of them. You know who you are.
Is blonde always spelled with an “e” on the end? Spell check says either way. Good to know.
I’m going to Springfield Music tonight to pick up my brand spankin new guitar. Oh man. It’s exciting.
~
Gosh, I’ve been forgetting my little squiggly things. Which I still can’t remember the name of.
~
You were all very helpfuls with that. Although I think I did get two different answers… Maybe one is their middle name or something.
~
Each of the house church groups is designing their own t shirt this year. GARRETT ROCKS, b/c he is pretty much doing it for his group and mine. So ours are gonna be so much better than the other groups.
*Now I blow a raspberry at all the other groups* Tttthhhhhbbbbbppppp. That's my fave one at the top there.
~
Be God's,
zach

[+/-] Read More...